Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Stories from the pulpit

I'm a bad Mormon girl.

I just don't like testimony meeting.

It just doesn't do it for me. Part of it is because it is difficult for me to feel the spirit after that twenty minute testimony about finding your fiance or saving up to buy your first clarinet (both true stories).

But the main reason is because people are just straight up crazy. and they like to publicly share that craziness with the rest of the ward family. and because testimonies aren't moderated, stuff like this, real life, true story, eye witnessed account of a testimony meeting gone terrible awry, happens.

I was in my home ward and it was just my little sister and I in the hard seats on the back row. It is about 15 minutes into the testimonies when this girl gets up to go to the pulpit. She has this whole gothy-look thing going on, so I'm like: "this is going to get interesting."

This is what follows:

"Hi, my name is Ashley, and I used to worship Satan."

"But then this one time I almost died during a ritual, so I've decided to stop."

"I really like your church and will probably want to learn more...."

She went on to say more stuff but I wasn't listening really, all I could do is look around frantically to make sure everyone else was seeing this. I literally had a loud audible "WHAT." After her first two sentences.

So don't think I'm judgy or anything. You worshiped Satan. Alright. You stopped after you almost died. Cool cool. You want to join the church. Good for you.

I'm glad your getting yourself straightened out and everything but really, could we keep it on the DL. Or at least use more sensitive language for the sake of propriety and politeness. All I could think of at that meeting was how many poor parents were going to have to come up with an answer to "Mommy, what does it mean to worship Satan?"

Let's just go back to clarinet and boating stories. Please and thank you.

Welcome to my life.

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